An Epic Love

Posted: March 10, 2015 in Uncategorized
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Have you ever wished, with everything in your being, that you could press rewind and go back to a particular period in time? Maybe you want to change the things you did, take back something you had said, or say the things you wish you had. Maybe you wouldn’t change a thing, but would just like to relive the moment one more time. Life doesn’t have a rewind button. As much as we wish we could go back, we can’t. The past is just as we left it. We can’t change it, fix it, or relive it. But if we could…

We met at a bar on a boring, karaoke night. Both born and raised in the same small town, it was not the first time we had actually met. We had known each other a little in high school, but he was a couple years younger than me, we ran in completely different circles, and he was not the type of guy I would have paid much attention. But, nonetheless, here he was many years later, all grown up and totally adorable. For all intensive purposes, I will call him Alex.

The bar was nearly empty that night with less than 20 people hanging around. My friend had dragged me out, despite my resistance because of a terrible cold that I had just gotten over. Later I would thank her enormously for making me go. Not long after we arrived Alex and a couple of his friends made their way to our table to chat and that was how the night went from that point on- all 5 of us sitting together, drinking, talking, and laughing.

Before I delve into the sordid details of what would become the great love affair of my life, I should explain that I was still married at the time- separated- but still legally married and in constant communication with my husband who was living away for work.

The very first thing I noticed about Alex was his beautiful blue eyes and infectious smile. The two seemed to go together hand in hand- when he smiled his eyes shone and sparkled, but it was’t just when he smiled that those eyes drew me in. As he talked he stared contently and I got sucked into, and lost, in the beautiful seas of blue.The very next thing that caught my attention was his wonderful sense of humour. There are a several things that I love in a man, and I am a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh.

We were inseperable the entire night. We talked, joked, and laughed, and at some point we danced. He could dance. Another thing I loved in a man. He could move to the fast music, and sway to the slow, and as we did the latter, he held me close to him and my heart beat hard and fast against him. He sang along to the song, his words whispering quietly in my ear, his breath warm on neck.

The night flew by all too fast and we were not ready to break the spell we had fallen under. An after party proceeded at my place where we continued to have a great time. I didnt want the night to end, so, when everyone had left, Alex stayed. I had never had a one night stand, nor had I ever thought I could, but in that moment with Alex, I knew I wanted to more than anything. The sex wasn’t mind blowing, but I didn’t care. It was intimate, but awkward. I lay in his arms for hours after and when, at day break, he got up to leave, the place he had filled next to me felt cold and empty.

I honestly felt that our night together was just that- one night together. I didn’t tell my husband, who as I mentioned, I was separated from, nor did I plan to.  Alex returned to where he was going to school the following day and I wouldn’t have been surpirsed in the least if I never heard from him again. But that week we began to chat online, and he began to call. Yet I had no expectations. In fact, I had not wanted anything to develop as my situation with my husband was already very difficult and complicated.

The following weekend my friend and I were at the same bar when Alex and a couple of his friends showed up. The bar was far more crowded that night but he wasted no time in finding us and sitting beside me. Part of me was thrilled that he was there, but at the same time, the automatic iron wall that surrounds my heart and guards my emotions, an automatic response caused by my own personal share of heartache and heartbreak over the years,  sprang to life. A little voice inside me yelled for me to reach out to him, to acknowledge what I was feeling, to throw caution to the wind and simply enjoy the time with him. However, my voice of reason convinced me otherwise and I kept him at arms length. My life was complicated, getting involved with him would only complicate it more.

He asked me to dance. I took his hand and followed him to the dance floor. You and Me by Lifehouse was playing. His arms went around me. I wanted to melt into him.

“I know this wasn’t just a one night stand. I felt something last weekend and I know you did too.”

He was so right. I had felt something the weekend before, every time we had talked since, and right there in that moment that I had never felt before. Was this love? Lust? Infatuation? I was a grown woman, yet I felt like a teenage girl. And that was how the great love affair began. From that point on we talked everyday and were together every chance we could get. I was falling hard, and I could sense that his feelings for me were just as real and intense. The weeks passed and with every day I fell for him more. With him, I felt like the only woman in the world.

In the meantime, I was still married, and my husband had no idea of what was going on as he was still away. Everything changed when he arrived home a couple months later, unexpected. Now I was in a situation that I was not prepared for, although I knew it would come someday. Being separated for several months, and after he had seen other people as well, I knew that I did not owe him an explanation. However, I was not expecting the immense feeling of guilt when he walked into my apartment. Suddenly, all of my feelings and emotions were thrown into a whirlwind. My husband wanted to fix things. He was sorry for the mistakes he had made and wanted to make our relationship better. It was the what I had wanted to hear for so long, yet something I had forgotten about the moment I first kissed Alex, the very first time he had held me in his arms.

I had a decision to make, and I made it. I took the easier route, the road most travelled. I went back to my doomed marriage and gave up the love that I had not know existed until I met Alex. I would focus on my marriage and put the affair behind me. I had the best of intentions.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I did try to focus on my marriage. I did try to put Alex behind me, to forget the affair and my feelings for him. I really did try.

Months later, and still in my unstable and rarely happy marriage, my husband and I were invited to a house party at a friends place. I wasn’t thrilled about going, but did anyway, and upon entering the house I was instantly lost in a set of beautiful blue eyes from across the room. My heart pounded and every emotion I had felt months earlier came rushing back. Throughout the night we both tried to find subtle ways to be near each other, or speak to each other, and after we had both drank enough to boost our courage we carefully slipped away from the party and hid in an upstairs bathroom where we kissed and held each other close. Nothing had changed, but everything was about to….

He was moving away the very next day. He was celebrating his new job with his friends that night before he left.

Later in the night my husband had gotten drunk and wanted to go home. I did not, and he left angry, but I didn’t care. I had to stay. This would be my last chance to be near him for what could be forever. Once he left who knew in what direction our lives would go?

We both stayed at the party for a while longer, and then borrowed a friends apartment and discreetly left together. We spent the night together there, and made love for what would be the last time. My heart ached as he held me afterwards, and I knew if I didn’t tell him then how I felt, I may never get the chance to do so again.

“I love you.” I whispered in the dark.

His lips softly touched my forehead as he whispered “I love you too.”

If I could press rewind and go back to any point in my life, it would not be that moment. Nor would it be the first time we met. If I could press rewind and go back it would be to the moment I made the wrong decision. The moment I chose the familiar over the unknown. The moment that I let go of my one epic love. If I could go back I would have taken the bull by the horns, stood up for my right for love and happiness. I would have taken the chance, risked it all, to be with him. I would have let myself love him, let him tear down the walls that had guarded me. If only I could press rewind and go back and do it all over again. Because its better to live regretting the chances we took, than regretting the chances we let slip away.



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