Sexy Back 

Posted: March 13, 2015 in Marriage, Love, Dating, and, yes, Sex!, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Let’s talk about sex baby!!

That’s easy enough if your an all girls rap group from the 90s. (Who totally rocked by the way!!) 

But if you are a 30-something year old woman, separated from her husband who is the only man she has had sex with in nearly a decade, single mother of 2 who is battling bipolar and medication induced weight gain, who currently lives at home with her parents…well, sex is not something that is on your list of priorities, or possibilities. 

It’s been 8. Long. Months. 

For the first few months I couldn’t be bothered as my sex drive was basically not existent- another lovely side effect of the meds. However, the nil drive has turned to a moderate drive and I’m beginning to wonder….

How in the hell do I get my sexy back? 

I am so out of shape that walking in heels feels like an Olympic event! The only footwear that had graced my feet (and can accommodate my cankles) are my $8 imitation Uggs! 

 I have long since “outgrown” all of my even semi attractive attire. My wardrobe currently consists of leggings, plaid shirts, painting clothes (I paint. A lot),  and pjs! 

My hair looks like a cross between an Emo teenager and your Grandma. My once dyed black hair has grown out several inches and LOTS of evil greys occupy my roots and I haven’t had a trim in months. 

 It’s been so long since I have even remotely dressed up that I forgotten how to apply mascara and my foundation is more than 3 shades too dark since it’s been so long since my skin was even touched by the sun. 

 My bed is now a couch……IN MY PARENTS LIVING ROOM! 

 AND I can’t stay awake past 10PM! 

How, I dare ask, do you turn all of that into a sexually desirable woman? 

Have any of you seen the new show on TLC “Love, Lust, or Run”? Everyone would run….fast and far….and not turn back, like ever! Not even Stacy London could save me and, let’s face it, she could make the walking dead look like they belong on the cat walk. 

But let’s just say, for shits and giggles, that I manage to get my sexy back. I walk away the pounds, get myself a fake-bake tan, a hair color and a trim, shop for some new clothes, get dressed up and am ready to climb back into the saddle….then what? 

I haven’t dated in nearly 10 years and I’m so out of the loop. Sure, I’ve had been having sex with my husband but sex within marriage and sex outside of marriage are on total opposite ends of the spectrum. 

How do you do casual sex? What is the protocol for when to have sex? Who is responsible for protection? Do you ask about sexual history before sleeping with them? (Cause that’s important!)

While these questions might sound totally stupid to some people, to a person just getting out of a nearly 10 year marriage these are all legitimate concerns. I’ve been sleeping with the same person my entire adult life (with the exception of 1 affair during a separation) and the sexual experiences from before my marriage, and the time we dated prior to tying the knot, when I was a little more than a teenager, just don’t count. I’ve never dated in my adult life, I’ve never had casual sex or a one night stand. I’ve been a one man woman since, well, forever. 

Who initiates sex? Who takes the lead? How much foreplay is too much, or too little? What if they are terrible in bed? What if they think you are? Do you fake orgasm if need be to spare their ego? How vocal is too vocal? What kind of foreplay is expected during a first time? What kind of sex are people having these days? (I’ve read 50 Shades- gasp!) And the greatest question of all- where are middle aged women meeting men in a world filled with married couples, barely legal hotties, and cougars? 

Could I be a cougar? Let’s face it, men in their early 20s back in our day pale in comparison to those today! But no, I could not. I am a mom of a nearly 17 year old and all I am able to see when I look at these young men is my son in a few years and I dare the 30something year old that tries to hit on him. 

What about the older man, with their salt and pepper hair, who would like nothing more than a younger woman? Not a chance! I know I am not, even in the littlest bit, attracted to older men. Sure, I have daddy issues, but sleeping with older men will in no way appease them! 

So, I don’t like them younger, and I don’t like them older. Where, may I ask, do you possibly find available, attractive, 30something year old men, who are available, with minimum baggage, and not looking for their own young cub? 

I’ve given this a lot of thought my friends. It’s been weighing on my mind heavily these past couple of weeks as I have contemplated getting back out there, dating, meeting men, and yes, getting my sexy back. It’s a complicated dating world out there for the middle aged woman (or man) and after a lot of pondering I think I have come to an educated decision on my ideal sexual partner, at least for the time being. 

He is battery operated, hidden well in my underwear drawer, and prefers to remain nameless! 


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