I am in a good place.

 I’m neither high nor low, manic or depressed, happy or sad, hyper or calm, quiet or loud. The noises around me are just background sounds, no longer a roaring thunder in my head. I can carry on a conversation on just the one topic, and sit through a 30 minute sitcom. I haven’t cried in weeks, haven’t lashed out in days, haven’t yelled in frustration or tried to hide away from the world. I’ve done some anxiety free shopping and a week of anxiety free workdays. I’ve slept a consistent 6-8 hours every night, haven’t needed to nap to calm the chaos in my head, or slept in and made my kids late for school. The nightmares are gone. I’ve waken my kids with breakfast on the table every morning and greeted them with a smile every afternoon. I’ve started several projects and finished every one of them. I call my friends often, got invited to a birthday party, agreed to go, and am looking forward to it. My legs are shaved, my hair is brushed, and I’ve even waxed the forest that had become of my eyebrows. I’ve smiled at people in passing, exchanging pleasantries and such. I’ve made beds, washed dishes, shined windows, mopped floors, folded laundry, dusted furniture, cleaned up messes, and cooked meals. My car remains a mess because I am using it- to drive my kids to school daily, my mom to run errands, myself to weigh ins and to make shopping trips. I’ve listened to my kids stories, welcomed their friends into our home, chauffeured them around town, went to ball games, listened to bass practice, and discussed girls, homework, attitudes and futures. I’ve made small talk with my dad and listened as he told me all of which he had heard on the news that day. I’ve been patient and kind during his dementia moments, bit my tongue when his true colors shined through, and walked away when I was tempted to speak up.  I’ve celebrated my niece’s 15th birthday, heard about her first date, had my nephew sleep over, and planned my sisters birthday party for this week. I’ve spent time with my mom, laughed with her, talked to her, shopped with her, took a short road trip, and planned the next stages of our home makeover. I’ve texted friends, creeped Facebook accounts, joined twitter, and began planning a community event. I joined a dating site, met some losers and winners, and met Craig who I am getting to know. We talk openly and I have divulged the dreaded topic of my mental illness to which I was met with understanding and compassion. I’ve written, and written, and written some more, even considering submitting some pieces to active markets. I’ve helped a friend, made a new one, reached out to an old one. I ate healthy and lost weight. I’ve made decisions and began thinking of my future. 

I am in a good place, a stable and balanced place. And it’s while I am here that I often question my diagnosis, that I question my life and what it has become. It is while I am in this place that I have to remind myself that the opposite universe still exists and to enjoy this place for as long as I am here. 

  1. bipolarwhisper says:

    I am so glad that you are in this balanced place and are doing so great! great post.

    Liked by 1 person

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