50 Shades of Bipolar 

Posted: March 20, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder
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I’m 50 shades of Bipolar, not a solid hue. Somedays are a lighter shade, like the sky when you know a storm is coming but it’s still way off in the distance, or a little deeper shade, like the smoke that towers from chimneys on a frosty morning. Then there are the bad days, when the shade is nearly black, like trying to lighten black paint with just a drop of white. 

There is so much more to this disorder than just the black and white- the bright white high phases when your senses are heightened and the entire world feels like your playground and the stark black phases, when depression creeps in and suddenly your terrified of the world around you. 

Bipolar is so much more than that. I am so much more than that. I am 50 shades of bipolar, each shade another aspect of not just the disorder but the personality it has created. 

I am passionate. Sometimes I feel,  a lot, often on a level so much deeper than I knew I could. Other times I am unable to feel anything at all, as if there were a switch that controlled my emotions and someone had shut it off. 

I can, at times, create. Not masterpieces that will hang on the walls of galleries or spend weeks on the best sellers list, but creations that come from a place within me, where my feelings have yet to be tapped into it. There are other times, during those darker shades, when nothing will come from me but the anger and frustration that my vocabulary just can’t find the right words for. 

I get angry. I get sad. I cry and I laugh. I want to scream. I want to run. Sometimes all at the same time. 

When I give, I give my all. I give more of me than any one person might deserve. I give my heart and my soul. I give until there is nothing left to give. And suddenly, as swiftly and easily as I gave, I take it all away. 

There are times when the shade is barely recognizable, nearly white with just a hazy tint. I’m happy, balanced- I’m okay. My energy supply runs deep as does my creativity. Its during this shade when I am more of the person I use to be, before this illness, before the highs and lows, before I turned 50 shades. 

The darker shades of bipolar, a shade of awaiting black, are the scariest. This is when I know what lurks in the shadows, the black shadows. I know what’s threatening to take over. I feel the shade getting darker yet there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

Sometimes I am your best friend, while others you won’t even recognize me anymore. Sometimes we can talk for hours, while other times I don’t want to hear your voice. Sometimes I am the person you’ve always known, while others I am a stranger you are meeting for the first time. 

There are days when the roles I play, the hats I wear, are easy, effortless. I’m a good mom, a dedicated daughter, a best friend and sister, and a cool aunt. Then there are other days when these roles require work, determination, and in order to fill them effectively I have to push aside the darkness and hide the inner demons. 

Sometimes I look how I feel- composed, together, happy, sane- with a well kept appearance, while other times I am just the opposite- a mess! 

The contrast between the shades go so far beyond simply color. They are not just seen but felt, lived, heard. They are separate worlds, different universes. They are not just a part of this disorders victim but everyone around them- their children, their parents, their friends. 

I am 50 shades of bipolar and bipolar is 50 shades of me. 

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Comments
  1. lilypup says:

    Really such a good description of bipolar. I recognized all of it. http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bipolarwhisper says:

    Great post. I love how accurate this is.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] 50 Shades of Bipolar – Writing of Passage […]

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