4 kids, 2 ATVs and How They Saved my Life

Posted: March 24, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder
Tags: ,

There are defining moments in life, moments that change your life forever, moments that cause you to look closer at your life  and question many of the things you thought to be true. These moments can be of varying degrees of life altering. They may be just the turning point you needed, or what you had feared most. They may be what you wanted but never realized, what you needed but couldn’t ask for. Or they may be a moment when your life was literally pulled back from the point of no return. Whatever role this defining moment plays in your life, it’s one that, chances are, you won’t soon forget. 

It was just a couple of months after my diagnosis. Everything was new and raw. Everything had fallen apart. My husband had not long moved out, I was unable to work and had no income, relying entirely on him to support me although we had separated. I had blocked out the world and everyone in it. I was angry. I was sad. I was lost. I had been battling the demons for days, but their darkness was swallowing me whole. 

My kids were arguing in the living room,  about what I can’t remember. Their voices were loud and shrill, the volume amplified as it so often is. I could feel the anger and frustration building. As they screamed at each other just a few feet from me I snapped! I began yelling at them, although I have no idea what was said. The one thing I do know for certain was that I made them drop whatever they were doing, and fighting over, and get in the car. I drove to my mother’s and dropped them off there. The scene was absolute and utter chaos- screaming kids, a yelling mom, both trying to explain what was going on. What was, exactly, going on? Sure they were fighting but their fought all the time. The problem at that moment wasn’t them. The problem was me. 

As I left them there and drove away the tears started falling and in that moment I knew I had lost the fight, the demons were now in control, and I hadn’t the strength nor the desire to do a damn thing to stop them. I had given up. I wanted it to all be over. I drove through town, clocking nearly 100km/h, and headed for the dirt road at the end of town that lead to the ocean. In all the time since my diagnosis I had never considered suicide as an option and I wasn’t considering it now. I was doing it. 

Rocks flew from underneath the tires of my car as I sped through the rough dirt road, hitting the bumps hard, a cloud of dust following behind me. The road was straight, leading directly to the shore and the ocean beyond it. Just a few hundred feet before the shore the road branched off into another dirt road. Something caught my eye to the left of me, and I slowed a little. It was 2 ATVs just ahead of me on the dirt road branch off, and on it were 4 kids, 2 on each bike. As I neared closer I recognized them. A boy from my youngest sons class and his older sister on one bike, and a girl from my oldest sons class with her boyfriend on the other. 

These kids knew my kids, had went to school with them for years. These 4 kids, having fun riding their ATVs  on the quiet dirt roads at the end of town were about to witness not just a woman, but a friends mother, end her life as her car plummeted into the cold salt water. Instinctively, my foot switched to the brake and I slowed down, coming to a stop just a few feet from the shore. My heart pounded hard in my chest and my stomach twisted into knots, struggling to keep down what little food I had eaten in the previous few days. I sat there for what felt like an eternity, but in actuality was only roughly 30 minutes, trying to calm my racing heart, catch my breath, regain some amount of composure. 

The gravity of the situation was overwhelming, almost unbearable. What had I been thinking? I had just dropped my boys, my entire world, off at my parents house. I hadn’t said goodbye, didn’t tell them how much I loved them. Their last memory of me would of been me yelling at them, leaving them, tearing off out of the driveway. They would have thought it was their fault- they had been fighting, I had gotten angry, left and never came back. How could I have even considered this? What would have happened to my boys? How would they have ever gotten over this? It was not just my life I would have been ending, I would have ended life as they knew it, forever. 

I didn’t go home from there. In fact, it would be hours later before I went home. I drove, and drove, and drove some more, trying to come to terms with what happened that day. I had hit rock bottom, and could only go back up, and in time I would. It wasn’t immediately, or even soon after, but eventually. And all because of 4 kids on 2 ATVs who had saved my life. 

  

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Comments
  1. bipolarwhisper says:

    I had tears in my eyes as I read this. I could very clearly visualize the situation, the story, the setting. I am glad that you were saved. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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