With all that’s been going on this past week from my birthday on Friday to surgery on Sunday, I completely forgot to update you on the newest development in my adventures in online dating, or more so, my singular adventure in online dating- Clarke. 

So a lot of things have come to light over the past few weeks about this teddy bear that, at some points in my life, would have made me run for the hills. However, since the first time I talked to this guy, I saw something in him, I felt something every time we would talk, and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him.

So, last week my sister and our kids went to see a movie out of town…in his town. I invited him along. What was I thinking right? I mean it’s one thing to meet a girl your falling for online for the first time but to meet nearly her entire family at the same time! But, I couldn’t be there and not invite him along. Long story short- he didn’t come. So, after the movie, which was around 11pm, we had to get back on the highway for the 2 hour drive back home (crazy to some people- an adventure to us!) but I just couldn’t leave his town without seeing him. 

So, let me paint you a picture….

It’s 11pm on a chilly spring night.  I text Clarke to tell him, ready or not, I’m coming to see him. I know the vicinity of his street so I drive aimlessly in that area until I find it. Then I realize the houses, literally, have no numbers on them so now I have to find one that does and start counting. 58, 56, 54….and with every number I am getting more and more nervous and silently kicking myself in the ass. What if this guy was an ax murderer? What if he killed me right there in his driveway? (We had agreed to simply meet outside). Finally I pull up to his house, put the car in park but keep it running (in case I need to escape?) and slowly walk up his driveway, the clicking of my heels echoing through the quiet street (so at least I knew my screams would!) He walks out of his front door, down the steps and driveway and we meet somewhere in the middle. Awkward “Hi” and then he hugs me close. We kinda just stand there like that for a minute. I pull away first and instinctively kiss him. Not a full blown, tongue action kiss, but a longer than normal, firm peck. We look at each other, smile, and I tell him I have to run. (My sister is waiting for me with the kids just a couple streets away throwing a hissy fit!) And I walk/half run back to my car- grinning like a school girl. 

So I know I’ve said in previous posts that, in the beginning, I wasn’t at all attracted to his personal appearance, but I never elaborated on exactly what it was about his appearance that I wasn’t attracted to. He’s a big guy and not just husky, but overweight. But I’m an overweight chick right, so it shouldn’t matter! But in the beginning it did. I just wasn’t attracted. However, as I talked to him more and more it wasn’t his appearance that I was attracted to, it was the person inside the shell, because let’s face it ladies and gents, our outward appearance is just that- a shell- and it’s what’s inside of us that makes us who we are. Still, it took me a while to separate the two, and the physical attraction, I wasn’t sure existed….until I kissed his lips. I knew then that it was there. I wanted that feeling, of his lips on mine, to last all night. 

So that’s the end right. Clarke and Me ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after……

Nope. There’s a whole lot more to this story than that. Clarke has issues all his own. He’s a bird with a broken wing who deals with high anxiety. Just my luck! But the thing is, I’m not deterred by it. Maybe because I understand so well what he is going through. It was even suggested that he was a project, but I refuse to believe that. Sure I want to fix him, but I basically want to fix everyone! 

There are other things too about this teddy bear who I adore, things I wish were different, or that I could change (I’m a control freak- it’s just in my nature!). He’s content with many aspects of his life because his anxiety keeps him that way. I want to help him overcome that, to push him to do more, to push his boundaries, to step outside of his comfort zone. He’s emotional, which is a good thing, just something that is new to me. The men I’ve known are just the opposite. He’s a gamer, which I am pretty sure attributes to his weight issues, and he isn’t very sociable, again, an anxiety issue. 

know all of these things probably aren’t what my neurotic mind and heart need right now. I probably need a man who can swoop in, sweep me off my feet, and take care of me. But the truth is, I want to take care of myself. I don’t need a man to do that for me, nor do I want it. What I want right now, what I need more anything……

Is someone who will make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Someone who knows me, who knows about the bipolar and everything it entails, who knows about the failed marriage and failed life, about the breakdown and the many meltdowns since, who accepts all of me, even the crazy parts, and still loves me just the way I am. 

Someone who fills my ears and heart with sweet words of love and admiration, who calls me a beautiful, wonderful creature, who tells me everyday your so adorable, who asks me to dance beneath the stars with him, and who wonders what my hair smells like. 

Someone who listens and understands, who doesn’t view my imperfections as character flaws, but rather quirks that make me me. 

Someone who loves it when I ramble about anything or nothing. 

Someone who will walk outside in the middle of the night, miles apart, at the same time as me, just so were looking at the same moon. 

Someone who can make me smile, blush, laugh, squirm and ache all in the same conversation. 

And Clarke is all of these things and more. Who knows what the future holds. The only day we are guaranteed is today. Everything can change in an heartbeat. I’m not thinking about what kind of man I should find to settle down with. Hell no! I just finished being settled down and I don’t plan to do it again for a long, long time. Right now, I want to just live, to feel, and right now, in this very moment, I want to do that with him. 

  1. Beautiful writing. Beautiful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Zoe says:

    Live the hell out of the moment! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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