The Darkness 

Posted: April 22, 2015 in Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 I feel myself downward spiralling and I’m trying to hang on, to reach for anything within grasp as I’m tunnelling down, but I can’t reach anything, or anyone. I can’t reach you

Are you able to handle me? Will you still feel the same once you’ve seen the darkness? 

I keep pulling you in, hanging on tight, only to push you away at a later time….such as now, when the darkness hovers over me like thunder clouds, threatening to burst open and pour their anger and hurt down on me.  

I want you. Oh how I want you. But wanting you and being able to just hang on are two totally different things. I keep pushing you away, because in end, I fear, you will leave anyway. 

I promised to fight but baby, sometimes it’s stronger than me and you. Sometimes it’s so much bigger than us. I feel myself shutting down, turning off, growing colder with every passing moment and there isn’t a damn thing I can do but hope……

Hope this doesn’t last. Hope it passes quickly. Hope that your still there when it does.

Love is a foreign word. Please try to understand. Hearing it while in this dark place just hurts. I could believe it, in a different place. God knows I would try. But not here, not now. 

Last night I took the meds, the very ones that make me numb. They make me shut down for a short time, forget the world around me as I fall into a deep swallowing sleep. I needed them as much as I hate them and in that very moment I just had to do whatever was required to make it through the night, even if that meant that I would awake this morning in a state of nothingness. 

Please, don’t give up on me. This will pass, you’ll see. Just hang on a little longer.  

I’m grasping at straws here, can you see that? I’m clinging to any last remaining fragments of me, of you. Of clarity and sanity. Of light. For fear that the darkness will swallow me whole. 

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Comments
  1. Dani'Elle says:

    Wow… You’re writing my story in this post. Nicely put! Amazing

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hbhatnagar says:

    I hope the fear is unfounded and you always have someone to hold on to.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you get relief soon. Hopefully, you can keep writing – it’s a connection that can help.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Miss Lavendius says:

    Thanks for sharing. Darkness sucks big time.

    Liked by 1 person

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