Life, Love, Family, Bipolar, and other Ramblings

I am BLAH! I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m not, well, anything! Just….BLAH! I’ve had a BLAH week and as the weekend approaches it doesn’t seem to be getting any less, well, BLAH! 

I have no motivation for anything! I have a million things I want to do, a million more that I need to do, but I have no drive to do any of it. 

I miss the mania on days like today. I miss that energy. I miss that feeling of total and utter confidence, when it feels like I can take on the world. 

Does the weather affect anyone else’s moods? It always affects mine. Outside it’s been cold, foggy and raining for days. I hate weather like this. It just sucks the energy from me and that has never been more true than this week.

Surgery recovery has been long and tedious. The incision itself is healing well (with a ugly scar to prove it!) but I am still experiencing discomfort and bruising and I have not yet been able to get back to my normal activities. This too is affecting my mood!  

I’ve been job hunting and submitted a couple of applications for administrative positions- good paying jobs in or around the city which would mean……yup, we would be moving into the city, or at the very least, the outskirts of it. I have a plan set in place for if I should get one of these jobs, and I am regularly checking the job website for newly added posts. Hmmm. Apparently I am not completely lacking any motivation. I did manage to do that! 

My family doesn’t understand my desperate desire to move to the city, 4 hours away from our little hometown. How do I explain to them that I was never meant to live here, I never quite belonged here? I’ve felt it in the very core of my being for many, many years since, when as a teenager I had walked the historic streets of the city, in awe of the colourful buildings, the eclectic shops, the street performers, and the buzz of energy all around me. This was where I belonged. I knew it then and there, but as I became a mother shortly out of high school my plans to make my escape from this suffocating small town got put on hold. 

Another child and 17 years later, I’m at a place where I know it’s time. Time to go where my heart wanted me to many years ago, to put the life I have lived here in this small town behind me and start over. And I’m excited!! My kids are excited!! Now, it’s just a matter of time. 

I’m very much missing having my own place! This house, with the 5 of us living in it, dealing with the same shit that I already lived through once, is slowly killing me! I came home from work earlier this week to find my mom in tears, after having been on the receiving end of my father’s verbal attacks all day. She looked so broken, standing in front of the stove, making supper with tears streaming down her face. I wanted to throw a rage filled fit, completely freak out at him, give it back to him harder and far more cruel than he had given it to her, and I am very capable of if, have done it before, but when she quietly asked me through her tears not to say anything I had to comply, and instead hugged her close as she cried on my shoulder. 

I hate him. Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I’ve never felt such strong hatred and rage for another human being as I do towards him. I’m not proud of how I feel but I am justified. As if it weren’t enough that he tarnished our childhood, leaving scars on us that would we would carry with us forever, but even after were long since grown he continues to use his words to tear her down, our mom, the only parent we ever really had, and for this, and for everything he has done over the years, I hate him. 

But enough about that. If I allow myself to dwell too long in that place it will consume me and I’m not letting him take up any more space in my head! 

My love life…..it’s weird! Clarke and I are currently in a long distance relationship and have agreed to not see other people until we have figured out what there is between us. Is it crazy to say that we love each other? Love is such a broad term…there are so many ways that someone can love another person….maybe it’s puppy love….maybe it’s simply a connection that’s so strong it resembles love. Can 2 people actually fall in love through just talking? I mean, we met once, for about 3 minutes! Since then our plans of being together have been ruined by first, my emergency operation, then work and family obligations, and we have no plans for the near future. Honestly? I have no idea what it is and lately (these past few days) I have been having some reservations. The conversations between us have been via text. He’s called twice in the past couple of weeks because, according to him, he doesn’t like talking on the phone. So, we resort to communicating through words on a tiny handheld screen, and honestly, it bugs me. The idea of being exclusive when we live 2 hours apart and only one of us drives (me) is bothering me as well. I mean, I’m just out of a marriage. Do I really want to be in an exclusive long distance relationship? My thoughts and feelings surrounding him and our situation are really all over the place! I really care about this guy, and he’s been such a huge part of my life over the past couple of months without even physically being part of my life. I do not want to hurt him or dissapoint him.  I’m just not sure if this relationship is what I want right now, but I’m terrified of letting it go! *sigh* The tangled webs we weave. 

Today I am trying to stay occupied. I’ve been cleaning and decluttering and job hunting, just to try to keep myself sane. I know how quickly BLAH can turn to darkness, and I refuse to let it! 

Thanks for stopping by, and for reading as I simply ramble.