It creeped up on me.  I hardly saw it coming, until it was just there, hanging over my head like a thunder cloud threatening to burst open and rain down hard on me. I got that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the feeling right? When you know everything is about to change and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it except wait for it to happen! 

And then….it did. The cloud opened up and the cold rain fell down on me. I was sad. I was angry. I was hurting and feeling so very alone. 

Trigger? I ended things with Clarke. I just can’t do a long distance relationship. For the past couple weeks I’ve felt as if I had an imaginary boyfriend. Sure, I could talk about him, about how great he is and how beautiful he makes me feel and how his goofy pictures that he sends when I am feeling down always make me laugh and feel better. But as I talked about this stranger that none of my friends or family have ever met I always felt as if the person on the other end of the conversation was thinking “Mmhm. Sureee” as if this guy only existed in my imagination. It was more than just that though.  I felt lonelier in the relationship then I felt before it. Before, there wasn’t anyone that I wanted to be with, then, being in this peculiar relationship with him, there was someone I wanted to be with but couldn’t because he lives 2 hours away and our lives, living situations, and jobs didn’t allow us to be together, and that my friends, was lonelier than not having anybody. 

So, I told him, from the heart, how I felt and ended things between us. When this relationship became romantic we both agreed that, no matter how things turned out, we would always be in each other’s lives. Now, he’s not so sure, and this fear that I have completely lost him is nearly unbearable. Yes, he’s just a man, a man who in all reality I barely know, a man who has only been in my life for a couple of months. But this man has done something for me in the short time I’ve known him that I never thought any other living soul would be able to do, ever…….

He’s awakened me. He brought me out of this shell that I had been hiding under and made he feel things. Things I hadn’t felt in a very long time. He reminded me that there was still beauty within me, that my heart and soul was not yet dead, that I was worthy of love and affection. He made me feel beautiful again. He made me feel loved and appreciated. He made me want things- love, intimacy, companionship. He made me feel alive again. 

But as much as it hurts, and as much as I hate myself for hurting him, I know that this relationship isn’t going to go anywhere for a very long time and I just can’t live that way, knowing he is so close, yet so damn far, that as much as I want to be close to him, he’s out of reach to me. If things were different maybe it could have been wonderful, maybe it could have been everything I wanted and needed. But things aren’t different and if I’ve learned nothing else from my failed marriage and pulling myself back up out of the gutter since, it’s that you cannot live on what ifs. 

So, as I said goodbye to Clarke for what might be the last time, via a message on a tiny screen which was the foundation of our relationship, I felt that storm cloud hanging over me and I knew without a doubt what was coming. 

The darkness. Cold and bitter and angry. Sad and lonely and broken. Tears. An endless supply of tears. An aching in my heart that nothing could take away. The need to be alone, completely alone, to hide in a dark room, under the covers. To block out the world and everyone in it. So that’s exactly what I did. I took my meds and waited, waited for the numbness and the sleep to swallow me whole. 

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Comments
  1. dimdaze says:

    I’m sorry. No other words will do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hbhatnagar says:

    I don’t know if we ever fall in love with a person or only with the image we create in our mind for that person…..Long distance makes the perceived difference between perceived reality and perceived image even greater, I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ravenstag says:

    This is so sad. I’m sorry.
    I’m sending some warm thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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