Jay called, as I was working on some painting projects Thursday afternoon. He was out of town, after just coming back from work, and didn’t have a ride home. He asked would I come to pick him up. Reluctantly, I agreed and made the 40 minute drive to get him. He had been drinking, as per usual. On the drive back home he attempted to flirt, touched my leg as I batted his hand away, and jealously asked about the new guy in my life, who I explained was just a friend. We mainly laughed and joked on the ride and when we got back in town he wanted to come to my house for dinner. My mama had cooked up something and he loves my moms cooking, and my mom, and the feeling is mutual between the two. 

It started with dinner. Then he lay down on our sons bed to watch a movie but Little K opted to go outside and hang on with his friends. Jay asked me to watch the movie with him, so I did. 

It started with dinner and a movie. At some point we were laying facing each other and he reached out and pulled me towards him, hard. I toppled towards him and our faces were inches apart. Those big brown eyes that reflected my own stared at me. My heart raced and my head spun. We kissed, our lips meshing together perfectly. We kiss the same. Exactly the same. Years and years of kissing each other would do that I guess. I was hesitant at first, but my thoughts were quickly lost in the feeling of his full, soft lips on mine, his beard tickling my face. 

It started with dinner and a movie, and a kiss. Then one kiss lead to several more and I found myself clinging to him, our mouths pressed firmly, urgently together. Breathlessly we stopped and I lay on his chest, both of us silent for a few moments. He spoke first. 

“I’m trying to decide if I should go down.” (To his house). 

I shook my head. Words just weren’t coming out. 

“You don’t want me to leave?” He asked. 

I shook my head again, my cheek against his chest. 

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” 

I nodded and he kissed my forehead. 

“I wish you didn’t have to leave.” He whispered. I knew what he meant. He wishes I weren’t moving to the city. He squeezes me tighter and I close my eyes and just enjoy the moment. 

He stayed the night and we watched movies and cuddled and made out like teenagers. Many times I heard my own words creeping into my mind. What the hell are you doing? But I quickly shut her (me) up as I once again reached out for Jay and crushed my lips to his, stroking his beard with my fingers, as he tangled his fingers in my hair. It felt so good and so right. We kissed and touched and pushed each other to the edge but we didn’t make love. Instead we fell to sleep, spooning, and woke up the next morning in the exact same position. 

The thing with daylight is, after the darkness of night, it brings clarity. As we had a coffee and a cigarette together on the patio the next morning the magic of the night before wasn’t there. In it’s place was the normal neutral demeanour. Was I expecting more? No, not really. Did I want more? Again, no. But the night before had shaken me, and after our coffee, and after I had dropped him off at his place, I began to rehash it over and over in my mind, and analyze it as I do with everything that happens in my life, a curse as much as a blessing. 

It’s a dog with a bone complex. Jay knows the kids and I are movingto the   city, a 4 hour drive from the town where all of us- the kids, Jay and I- had lived our entire lives. He’s scared. He knows I am moving on and that worries him. 

Like a dog with a bone, he only wants it on his terms, then wants to bury it until he decides to dig it back up and play with it again. Jay is the dog and I am his bone. Except I’m not his bone anymore. There has been too much hurt and betrayal, too many let downs and tears, and I am not the same woman I was when he decided to bury me last. I’m not his bone anymore. I’m not his wife anymore. 

I could get down over the whole incident. I could beat myself up over it, tell myself how stupid I was and what a huge mistake I made. But I won’t, and I didn’t. I did what felt good in the moment even if I knew I would regret it the next day. I took that chance and even though it rattled my chains briefly the next morning, I didn’t let it consume me. I shook it off and moved past it. 

I am not his bone anymore. The realization was actually very empowering. He doesn’t have the same effect on me that he once had, that power to suck me back in, to dig me back up and play with me until he was sick of me and then bury me again. He doesn’t have that hold on me anymore. 

It started with dinner, movie, and a kiss and it ended with me realizing…..I’m not his bone anymore. 

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Comments
  1. hbhatnagar says:

    Beautifully written. And so very true. Figuring out these conflicting thoughts takes people ages, and accepting them, another age. Love is truly a four letter word. I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bipolarwhisper says:

    Hugs.

    Like

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