One Night

I should have learned a lesson. I should know by now exactly what he is trying to do. I should be strong enough to say no, to turn him away, to turn away from him and walk away. I shouldn’t want this, want him, but sometimes the heart wants what the mind knows we just don’t need. 

Jay messaged me on Facebook while I was in the city for a few days, telling me to hurry and come home because he was getting lonely. I was heading home that day anyway, and just responded with “lol”. When we got home he called and then came up. The kids were outside and the house was empty. 

Like gravity, we were drawn to each other and to the bed. He had been clean shaven when I had left but his beard had grown back in a little while I was gone. I love his beard. I love how it feels as I touch his face while we kiss. I love how it feels on my skin as he trails kisses over me. We kissed, over and over. We touched. We rediscovered each other in ways we hadn’t in a very long time. We made magic together, the passion we had known long, long ago suddenly reborn if only for a short time. We were, for a couple of hours, Jay and M again. I was his, and he was mine. 

Afterwards we talked. The upcoming move came up and he commented that he would try to visit every second weekend. I asked why so often. 

“Don’t you want me to visit?” He asked. 

“Yes….but not that often.” I wanted him to visit the kids, yes, but the move was, and still is, a fresh start for me. Nothing had changed between us, I continued to explain. What we had just experienced was beautiful and incredible and felt so unbelievably good but it changed nothing. One incredible night together did not, could not, fix the years of turbulent marriage. It didn’t erase the addiction that consumed him. No amount of affection and intimacy could magically change the reality of our situation. 

I should have known what was coming, what he was expecting. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He has hoped that this would change things between us without him having to make any changes himself. Once again, he was trying to suck me back into this twisted idea of a relationship that he has, where he can keep me at arms length, have me when he wants me, but still continue to live his life the way he wants without any real commitment or change on his part. Little does he realize, I’m not the woman I once was. I’ve changed and he’s played a part in changing me. 

I may not have been strong enough to turn him away but maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t about strength. I had, after all, gotten exactly what I wanted, and while there may have been a time when this would have shaken me to my core and turned my world upside down, it just doesn’t anymore. I was fine before spending the night with him, and I am fine after. Yes, sometimes the heart and the body wants what the mind knows you don’t need, but must we always only choose what we need? Can we sometimes just choose what we want, even in just that moment? I may not have needed that night. I know I don’t need him anymore. But, in that moment I wanted him and for once, I was taking what I wanted, whether it was good for me or not. 

It was one incredible, intimate, heart pounding, amazing night, but, it was just that- one night. It changed nothing and life, for me, will go on just as it did before. There’s no going back- just ahead.