Lately I have been feeling as if far too much of my world has revolved around the dreaded 7 letter word that I’m trying to avoid talking or thinking about- Bipolar. For months I’ve read about it, written about it, talked about it, thought about it, and lived it every single day. 

I’m just so fucking sick of it! 

The lines have gotten fuzzy. Where does the bipolar end and the me begin? 

I know that any mental health problem will affect ones entire life, but am I allowing it to control my life? Before the diagnosis I wasn’t living a fulfilling life but I was living my own life, however miserable it might have been at times. I was going to college, and before that, working, and I was raising my kids and being an involved member of my family, a constant presence in the lives of the people I love. Since the diagnosis so much has changed. I now only work part time, 8-10 days a month. Why? Because apparently that is all my disorder will allow me to work. But wait! I worked with bipolar, full time, sometimes juggling 2 jobs at once, before the diagnosis. What changed? 

How is it that, after being diagnosed, my relationships became a struggle? I could easily show love, kindness, compassion, sympathy, and support before the damn diagnosis. Why is it so hard now? Why is it now so difficult for me to take part in family activities? It’s quite ridiculous. Take this past Thursday for example. It was my niece’s 9th grade prom. She’s starts high school next year. My sister booked a photographer to take some outdoor photos before we went to prom. I’ve dreaded it the entire day! I literally had to force myself to curl my hair, do my makeup, and get dressed up. I did it, an half assed attempt, and went along for photos. My sister was, predictabl, running late which irritated me to no end. I just wanted to get it over with so I could finally rid myself of the makeup, throw my hair into a pony tail, take off the dress and lounge around in my pjs! At the end of the evening I was glad I had went, and even felt a little guilt at having dreaded it so much. Why, I ask myself once again, are the simplest things so damn hard? 

The meds dull my emotions- this I know. They make me numb. Yet, I can’t give them up. I want to, so much, but I am painfully aware of what can happen if I do. I could go off the deep end, either high or low, and as much as I love the hypomania, I know at extreme manic phase could be major trouble. I’ve lowered my own dosages, without the approval or advice of my doctor, and yes, I know that’s not wise but I did it anyway and so far so good. My emotions are still dulled, but they aren’t non existent, and I have a little more energy during the day then I did before the decrease in meds. 

Still, my energy levels are low- meds or depression? I’m not sure. I feel, well, low. I’m not in the depths of depression, yet I’m not balanced or high. I’m low, but not at my lowest. 

And I’m frustrated. And angry! 

I’m frustrated that a disorder can cause so much turmoil in my life and that I am unable to rise above it. I’m a strong woman. I’ve overcome so many difficulties in my life, fought my way back from the pits of total and utter hell, and yet I can’t fight off the mood swings of this disorder or the miserable feelings of borderline depression, which is what I have decided to call this phase I am in. Borderline. Hovering on the border. I’m not quite in full fledged depression but I know I’m just a few baby steps away from it. 

I’m angry. I’m mad as hell at myself and this disorder. I’m sick of being under it’s thumb, of not knowing when or of it’s going to push down and trap me under it’s weight. I’m angry that it is stronger than I am. I hate that I can’t beat it, that it has more control over me than I have of it. 

I’m just so fucking sick of it! 

I’m sick of being sad. I’m sick of not having any energy. I’m tired of being tired, and depressed, and feeling helpess. I’m sick of not knowing when my mood is going to swing in the opposite direction, or if the person waking up in the morning is the same person who went to bed the night before. I’m sick of the lack of motivation and not living up to my potential. I’m sick of anxiety, of fear and dread. 

I’m sick of being bipolar. I’m so fucking sick of it that it infuriates me! 

I still have ideas, lots and lots of ideas, and I still have plans. The problem? Getting off my ass to take any action. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. All of these ideas and plans are locked away in my head to be kept for a later date except the later date never comes. Is is the bipolar’s fault or is it just me? Again, the lines are fuzzy. 

Where does the bipolar end? When am I just me and not the disorder that works it’s hardest to destroy any remnants of the person I am? I just want to be me! I don’t want to be bipolar anymore! I don’t want to have a mental illness. I want to be normal, whatever normal is. 

Can we do that? Can we simply choose to not be something anymore? Do we have the strength as human beings to just stop something from happening inside of us? Is it possible to turn off the bipolar, to shut it off, shut it up, and forget that it exists? Is there any possible way in which I can step out of the grasp of this disorder and, like the many other disasters that have plagued my life over the years, put it behind me and move past it, eventually making it merely a memory? 

I don’t want to be bipolar anymore. I need, desperately, to not be consumed by this disorder. If I had one wish, it would be wipe my memory clean of ever learning of this diagnosis, to completely forget that it even exists. I lived with it for decades unknowingly but yet, once the diagnosis came, everything changed. No, I wasn’t exceptionally happy before the diagnosis but I  do believe I was happier than I am now. How could  a diagnosis have such an effect? 

I don’t want to be bipolar anymore. I just want to be me. 

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Comments
  1. swtswtsue says:

    My God, I could have written this!! I’m so sorry you’re going through this struggle as well. I’m sitting here, almost speechless, because you pretty much described EVERYTHING I’ve been feeling since my diagnosis (about a month and a half ago).

    I was definitely struggling this past year, but everything changed once I heard those words. They came as a total shock to my system. I knew there was something very wrong, and I knew I was experiencing depression (for the first time, ever), but my diagnosis completely blindsided me. And now, it’s almost as if I created my very own personal stigma. And I’m SO with you – I absolutely despise it. I almost wish I never even knew.

    “Where does IT end, and where do I begin?” I ask myself that question almost compulsively. There was a time when I was a highly functioning individual, just like you… I worked full-time, went to school full-time… I even had a full-time social life. I got my freakin’ master’s degree!! How in the hell was I able to do that then, when now, I can barely function? I, too, wish I knew the answer.

    I miss my old life so much. I get it. I know that things will never be exactly the same, but I have all the hope in the world that they can and will get better. In my case, I’m allowing my diagnosis to consume me, and I know I have to put an end to that.

    I wish I had some positive and motivating words for you, but unfortunately, right now, I can only give you some comfort in knowing that you are not at all alone in your struggles. I know I can’t ignore the pink elephant in the room, but I also know that I don’t have to give it all of my power. There’s NO reason why we can’t get past this awful label and re-learn how to FULLY experience life like we once did, without constantly monitoring every little step we take.

    Like you, I just want to be me again, whoever that person is… But I don’t think I’m ever going to get to that place if I keep letting my diagnosis control my life. We might be diagnosed as “Bipolar,” but we are many, many other wonderful things as well. It’s so cliche, but that word really doesn’t define who we are as people. And that’s the struggle – learning to truly believe that for ourselves.

    Positive thoughts sent your way. Hang in there and I’ll try to do the same. 😉

    Like

    • Writingofpassage says:

      Thank you so much for reading and replying. I too wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but at this period in time I just can’t find them! I’m hoping and praying that this is a “phase” that will pass, as it is certainly taking an enormous toll on me and I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that you will find your balance as well.
      We are at rock bottom right? So, the only way to go is up!
      All the best to you. *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

  2. hbhatnagar says:

    I am a doctor myself so I think I’m better suited to titrate dosages, but even I wouldn’t advise you to change med doses yourself. The thing with mental diseases is that we’re not usually balanced enough to take an intelligent decision on dosages. In hypertension or diabetes for example, some dose changes can be effected by the patient (not that I’d recommend it!), but in depression/bipolar and so on, not so much.
    Ok, enough pontificating for now. Take care. Peace

    Like

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