Every morning I wake up, pull myself from my comfortable slumber, start the day’s routine slowly but surely. I make breakfast for the kids, push them to get dressed and brush their teeth, drive them to school and then come back to sit on the deck with a hot cup of Java and a cigarette or two. The house is quiet as the kids are off to school and my parents are not yet awake. It’s my favourite time of the day, with late nights when everyone is in bed coming in at a close second. Then as the house comes alive as my parents wake up and my fathers homecare aid arrives I feel the happiness that I awoke with quickly leaving my mind, body, and spirit. 

I’ve come to passionately despise where I am, a mid thirties single Mom of 2 living back home with her parents in the same hell that she grew up in.  Not much has changed since my childhood days here. Words are still thrown like stones, with the intent to hurt and humiliate, the only difference being I am no longer on the receiving end. No. My mother is, which is much worse. 

This house is no longer home. There was a time when just being here, in my old room, safe inside of it’s 4 walls, was therapeutic. I felt calmer here. I felt at ease and as if the nothing could touch me. This was where I came when I was sick or broken. It was my refuge. Or more accurately, my mother was my refuge. It was she who I ran to, not the house, but the woman who was in it. 

But now, even being with her isn’t enough. She can’t fix the broken, and this house is breaking me even more. Evil lurks here. You can actually feel it when he starts throwing his insults. 

This house isn’t home anymore and I need to figure out where exactly home is. 

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Comments
  1. dianetharp70 says:

    So sorry! 3½ yrs ago (right before my husband of 18½ yrs being together,/married) my house gave me horrible/demonic feelings. I felt out of place. We split, I, my daughter & gson moved out. He was never physically abusive, we talk & his gf is nice.I did feel emotionally single, which just may be a symptom of my mental illness as I felt this way in my 1st marriage too,,, I definitely relate! I hope that you can find some peace in your soul, life

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hbhatnagar says:

    This ain’t home anymore. I know that feeling. Hope you find some place to call home, even a room works at times.

    Liked by 2 people

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