The days are passing by quickly and the move is getting closer. I’ve been excited for months.  This is what I’ve been working towards for the past year. I made this decision a year ago and have taken plenty of time to think it over and make sure it was what I actually wanted and what was best for my little family and that it wasn’t, despite what my family thought, a rash decision made during one of my hypomania phases. 

I’ve thought about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons and hashed out the many possibilities in my head. This is what I want. Right? So why then, am I so damn apprehensive just before the big move? 

I keep asking myself over and over again…am I doing the right thing? Will my kids be happy there? Will I be happy there? Will I regret this? 

And then I remind myself, over and over again…you will regret it if you don’t try! This is what you want, what your kids want. You are doing the right thing. You need to get out of this house, out of this town. It’s a fresh start. 

I need a fresh start, in a place where nobody knows me, my mental illness, or my history. It’s not that I am ashamed of either, because I’m not. I just need to put it aside, to put it behind me in a sense, and start anew. This is what I have wanted for so long. So why then, am I suddenly unsure? 

I’m worried about Little K. Although he is a very outgoing and friendly kid, it’s going to be hard for him to make friends until school starts up in September and I’m concerned that the summer is going to be boring for him and give him a bad first impression of the city. I’m worried that he will miss his dad and all of his friends back home. 

I’m worried that Big K might change when he gets in the big city and in a high school that’s much more diverse and populated than what he is used to. He’s been such a good kid. He doesn’t drink or experiment with drugs, he doesn’t party like a lot of teens his age do. He’s an all around good kid, although quite shy and a little withdrawn. I’m worried that, as much as I would like for him to come out of his shell, he might do so in a negative way and begin doing the things I have been proud of him for not doing. 

I’ve thought about all of these things numerous times as I weighed the pros and cons of this move. So why then are they weighing so heavily on my mind right before the move?

I have cold feet! 

I have cold feet and I’m leaving tomorrow. So what am I going to do? 

Put on warm socks! 

This is a new chapter, one that’s long overdue, and no matter how cold my feet are, there is no turning back.  

 


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