Archive for the ‘Bipolar’ Category

I sat with my iPhone in hand (its my own personal computer), thumbs poised to begin typing, and waited. And waited. And waited some more. For what exactly? Why, inspiration of course! So as I sat and I waited and I thought, my thumbs fiddling with the many jagged cracks on the less than a year old screen of my iPhone 5c because I am an dumbass who dropped it down the concrete steps that lead to my apartment entrance, I realized something……

Unless I am emotionally unstable or hanging on by my fingernails to the edge as I cling to balance and sanity, I really don’t have much to say. I’m writing blocked! 

If you look back over the past few months since I started blogging, my longest, most in depth and passionate, detailed, posts have been while I was experiencing mental and emotional distress. Why is it that I can only write creatively and passionately when I am mentally unbalanced or coming unhinged? Does anyone else experience this? I miss writing and actually find it very sad that I am unable to write anything even remotely profound unless I am not in a good place mentally. 

So, I decided to just write. About anything, about nothing, about me, my kids, my family, my life, to simply write whatever comes to mind as long as I keep my thumbs moving and the words appearing on my pitifully shattered screen! 

I am visiting my parents for a few days. It was a spur of the moment decision to make the nearly 4 hour trip. Jay had been visiting Little K at our apartment in the city with the intention of taking our son back home with him for a couple of weeks when he left, and I would make the trip to bring him home as summer came to a close. After just 2 days Jay received an unexpected call to go to work for a few days so his visit would be cut short and him and Little K would take the bus back home. Instead of the bus, we all piled into my car early the next morning- myself, Jay, both of my kids, and the family dog- and headed back to our little hometown. 

My mom was thrilled to see me, to see all of us, and I was equally as thrilled. It had been a month since I had visited and while that doesn’t sound like a long time, I don’t think in my entire life I have went a month without seeing my parents. Despite the issues our family had over the years and still have to some degree, we are still a close knit family and a month without hanging out with my mom feels like forever! She even made my my fav supper of fish and chips! After supper was cleaned out it was still so hot outside so my sister and I know took the kids to the beach for a dip. While the kids swam and played in the water we waded past our knees and collected pretty pieces of driftwood. It was a much needed relaxing evening. 

So, I’m staying with my parents for a few days and I say “few” simply because it’s unknown yet how long we are staying. I had to take my car to my mechanic this morning for a standard oil change. As they performed the service they discovered 2 other things that were in need of repair or replacement that could potentially be dangerous. Just. My. Luck. One of the needed parts won’t be in until NEXT WEEK and he isn’t sure when next week. Did I mention that the entire fiasco is going to cost me close to 500 smackaroos? Yup, that’s right. 500 big ones which is about 450 more than I can afford! I didn’t have bad luck I would have  no luck at all! 

Other than that negative tidbit the visit is going well. My Dads health isn’t the best of it right now and he is awaiting an appointment to have a procedure done that will help him talk better as he had almost completely lost his voice due to paralyzed vocal cords which, although it hasn’t been confirmed, is probably the result of extensive scar tissue on the brain from nearly 20 surgeries BUT that’s a whole other story for another time. His voice is almost non existent and he struggles to breath when he tries to communicate so the sooner he gets in for this procedure the better! 

Little K is loving the trip so far. He’s been outside with his friends constantly, having water balloon fights, hanging out in friends backyards, riding bikes and swimming. Big K is bored as per usual. I think that’s a teenager thing maybe? Who knows what actually goes on in the complex mind of a 17 year old!

Well, that pretty much sums up our little mini vaca so far and as far as “writing” goes, I think I managed to forge out a few words, although lacking in passion or creativity, but, my comrades of the pen, I will trudge on until alas, some profound words develop on this page. See you all again real soon. 

Until next time…. 

 

Advertisements

There are 10 things I want you, my readers, to know….

1. Yes, I know it’s been forever since I posted and I am sorry. 

2. I am still alive and well and by well I mean no extreme highs or lows. I’m pretty well balanced. 

3. I did move to the city after my last post when I talked about my “cold feet.” 

4. My apartment was a complete and utter disaster when I moved in and I have spent the past month trying to make it beautiful. 

5. I am settling into my apartment nicely and although we moved here with the clothes on our backs so to speak, we are slowly accumulating things and by things I basically mean clutter which will drive me crazy after a while. 

6. My kids are adjusting well, for the most part so am I, and our family dog, who was scared of her 8 year old 100 pound shadow at first, is finally starting to adjust as well. 

7. I haven’t written anything, and I mean anything, since I moved. I am so preoccupied with making my apartment feel like home that I just can’t seem to find the time or the creativity to do anything else! 

8. I get homesick from time to time. I miss my Mama terribly! 

9. I plan to really begin living in the city as soon as my apartment is just the way I like. By living I mean going out, meeting new people, doing new things. 

10. Last, but by no means least, I have not given up on blogging. I will be back real soon and I hope, in the meantime, this short list will help bring you up to date on my life. 

Until next time…. 

 

The days are passing by quickly and the move is getting closer. I’ve been excited for months.  This is what I’ve been working towards for the past year. I made this decision a year ago and have taken plenty of time to think it over and make sure it was what I actually wanted and what was best for my little family and that it wasn’t, despite what my family thought, a rash decision made during one of my hypomania phases. 

I’ve thought about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons and hashed out the many possibilities in my head. This is what I want. Right? So why then, am I so damn apprehensive just before the big move? 

I keep asking myself over and over again…am I doing the right thing? Will my kids be happy there? Will I be happy there? Will I regret this? 

And then I remind myself, over and over again…you will regret it if you don’t try! This is what you want, what your kids want. You are doing the right thing. You need to get out of this house, out of this town. It’s a fresh start. 

I need a fresh start, in a place where nobody knows me, my mental illness, or my history. It’s not that I am ashamed of either, because I’m not. I just need to put it aside, to put it behind me in a sense, and start anew. This is what I have wanted for so long. So why then, am I suddenly unsure? 

I’m worried about Little K. Although he is a very outgoing and friendly kid, it’s going to be hard for him to make friends until school starts up in September and I’m concerned that the summer is going to be boring for him and give him a bad first impression of the city. I’m worried that he will miss his dad and all of his friends back home. 

I’m worried that Big K might change when he gets in the big city and in a high school that’s much more diverse and populated than what he is used to. He’s been such a good kid. He doesn’t drink or experiment with drugs, he doesn’t party like a lot of teens his age do. He’s an all around good kid, although quite shy and a little withdrawn. I’m worried that, as much as I would like for him to come out of his shell, he might do so in a negative way and begin doing the things I have been proud of him for not doing. 

I’ve thought about all of these things numerous times as I weighed the pros and cons of this move. So why then are they weighing so heavily on my mind right before the move?

I have cold feet! 

I have cold feet and I’m leaving tomorrow. So what am I going to do? 

Put on warm socks! 

This is a new chapter, one that’s long overdue, and no matter how cold my feet are, there is no turning back.  

 


    I have often mentioned how painting, crafting and makeover projects are the ultimate stress reliever for me and a way in which I keep myself balanced. Recently I have had a couple of readers ask about these projects and commented that they would like to see pics. So, I decided now, while I am too busy to write, would be a great time to share some of these projects with you!                

    Thanks for stopping by. I promise to be back soon with something more to say 🙂 

    My apologies for having gone MIA again. These past few weeks have been hectic to say the least but I am back with an update, however brief. 

    Mentally, I am doing fine. I’m not up nor down. I’m balanced which is what we all strive for right, balance? I’m okay with “balanced”. It’s comfortable and safe and healthy. I do, however, miss the hypomania at times, especially now when I have so much going on and so much to do! 

    I spent all of last week in the city apartment hunting. I received the financial help that I needed and applied for and finally I could start planning our move.  

    I saw 5 apartments. The first 2 were awful! The first one had, literally, 2.5 feet of counter space in the corner of the kitchen and wreaked of puppy pee! Ewww!  The second apartment was even worse! It was obviously not kept up, with holes in the wall, plaster spots everywhere, scuffed flooring, very dirty and dingy. A definite no! 

    The third apartment was okay. The tenant who is currently living in it did not give a very good first impression of the place. She was obviously not a tidy or clean housekeeper. The apartment was a little small but it did have potential. It was pet friendly with a backyard, and had a laundry room which is super important to me. The location was great, in a quiet part of the city, close to good schools AND….on the same street that my best friend lives on! I didn’t jump on it simply because of the limited space and because the rent did not include utilities which is what I was hoping for. 

      Apartment #4 was great! Located on a quiet cul de sac, it was a good size, modern and clean, utilities included and for a decent price. It too was pet friendly and had a back yard as well as a personal deck. This was it! We had found the perfect apartment for our little family. I was so excited! The landlord and I discussed details and I told her I would be back with the damage deposit first thing in the morning. We chatted for a while longer and then my friend and I left and went for coffee and a drive, both thrilled that I had found the perfect place. 

      A couple hours later we arrived back at her place and there was an email waiting for me. The landlord’s husband had already rented out the apartment that morning without letting his wife know. We had lost our perfect apartment. I was devestated. 

      The next morning it was back to the drawing board and early in the day I found apartment #5. I got a viewing appointment right away and was in total awe of this place. Huge rooms, lots of storage, utilities included for a great price, a yard and a laundry room. The problem? There were a lot of people competing for this place, and they didn’t allow pets. So, that apartment wasn’t going to happen sadly. 

      By this point I was frustrated and I had to return home the next day, without finding a place! I was discouraged, the boys (my kids) were upset, and it was looking as if nothing would work out for us. 

      I continued to search online for an apartment after I returned home with the plan that my friend, who has the same standards I do, would go look at it once I found something. Unfortunately that didn’t happen because I couldn’t find anything that met my requirements….

      • Affordable
      • Utilities included 
      • Pet friendly
      • Spacious
      • With sufficient storage
      • A yard 
      • Washer and dryer

      However, she did go back to see apartment #3, which was the only apartment that she hadn’t seen with me because she was at work at the time, and texted me to say she couldn’t understand why I was so opposed to it. Yes it was a little small but it was a nice apartment that was pet friendly and affordable. 
      The search continued to no avail and I began to seriously consider apartment #3 and weighed the pros and cons….

      Pros:

      1. It allows me to keep my dog
      2. It has a yard
      3. It is affordable
      4. It has a washer and dryer
      5. It is in the area I wanted
      6. It is in the zone of good schools 
      7. It’s  in a short driving distance to malls, pool, parks, walking trails, dog park and much more 
      8. The landlord is super nice 
      9. It is somewhat modernized 
      10. Last, but not least, it is on the same street that my friend lives on. 

      Con:

      1. It’s a little bit small
      2. Utilities aren’t included 

      So, as you can see my friends, the pros very much outweigh the cons. So, yesterday I accepted apartment #3 and we move in on July 1st! 

      The hunt is over. We have found our new home, in the city, and in just a couple of weeks we close the chapter on this part of our life and start a new chapter, one that we are very much looking forward to. 

      Every morning I wake up, pull myself from my comfortable slumber, start the day’s routine slowly but surely. I make breakfast for the kids, push them to get dressed and brush their teeth, drive them to school and then come back to sit on the deck with a hot cup of Java and a cigarette or two. The house is quiet as the kids are off to school and my parents are not yet awake. It’s my favourite time of the day, with late nights when everyone is in bed coming in at a close second. Then as the house comes alive as my parents wake up and my fathers homecare aid arrives I feel the happiness that I awoke with quickly leaving my mind, body, and spirit. 

      I’ve come to passionately despise where I am, a mid thirties single Mom of 2 living back home with her parents in the same hell that she grew up in.  Not much has changed since my childhood days here. Words are still thrown like stones, with the intent to hurt and humiliate, the only difference being I am no longer on the receiving end. No. My mother is, which is much worse. 

      This house is no longer home. There was a time when just being here, in my old room, safe inside of it’s 4 walls, was therapeutic. I felt calmer here. I felt at ease and as if the nothing could touch me. This was where I came when I was sick or broken. It was my refuge. Or more accurately, my mother was my refuge. It was she who I ran to, not the house, but the woman who was in it. 

      But now, even being with her isn’t enough. She can’t fix the broken, and this house is breaking me even more. Evil lurks here. You can actually feel it when he starts throwing his insults. 

      This house isn’t home anymore and I need to figure out where exactly home is. 

      My determination hasn’t wavered. I am as gung-ho to make the most of today, and to avoid letting myself slip into the shadows of my mind, as I was yesterday and I am thankful for this small mercy. 

      I had a very productive day yesterday. I started 7 projects, completely finished 2, nearly finished 3 more, and the last 2 will be done by the end of the week. By bedtime I was utterly exhausted and feeling quite proud of myself. Sleep came quick, which satiated my body and my mind. I was grateful to not lie away thinking but to instead drift comfortably into a sound sleep. 

      Today was much like yesterday. I was a little slower getting started this morning, the coffee just not quite kicking in, but after my second cup I was rearing to go.   I started with cleaning Little K’s room, stripping his bed and washing out all of the linens, dusting his furniture and putting away the stack of laundry from yesterday. Afterwards I once again started in at my wood working projects.  By lunch time when Little K came home from school I had started 8 small projects, each in different stages of completion. 

      So, I’ve been busy and productive, and do you know what I have noticed? I haven’t thought about being depressed or manic, wondered if I was high or low or just the right amount of balanced, or had the word bipolar even cross my mind. 

      As I worked on various projects, my hands and clothes paint stained and my black leggings covered in dust from the sander, I was just me! This woman, engrossed in creativity and paint, was the real me.  I’ve missed her and I plan to make her stick around as long as she possibly can.