Archive for the ‘Mental health’ Category

The days are passing by quickly and the move is getting closer. I’ve been excited for months.  This is what I’ve been working towards for the past year. I made this decision a year ago and have taken plenty of time to think it over and make sure it was what I actually wanted and what was best for my little family and that it wasn’t, despite what my family thought, a rash decision made during one of my hypomania phases. 

I’ve thought about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons and hashed out the many possibilities in my head. This is what I want. Right? So why then, am I so damn apprehensive just before the big move? 

I keep asking myself over and over again…am I doing the right thing? Will my kids be happy there? Will I be happy there? Will I regret this? 

And then I remind myself, over and over again…you will regret it if you don’t try! This is what you want, what your kids want. You are doing the right thing. You need to get out of this house, out of this town. It’s a fresh start. 

I need a fresh start, in a place where nobody knows me, my mental illness, or my history. It’s not that I am ashamed of either, because I’m not. I just need to put it aside, to put it behind me in a sense, and start anew. This is what I have wanted for so long. So why then, am I suddenly unsure? 

I’m worried about Little K. Although he is a very outgoing and friendly kid, it’s going to be hard for him to make friends until school starts up in September and I’m concerned that the summer is going to be boring for him and give him a bad first impression of the city. I’m worried that he will miss his dad and all of his friends back home. 

I’m worried that Big K might change when he gets in the big city and in a high school that’s much more diverse and populated than what he is used to. He’s been such a good kid. He doesn’t drink or experiment with drugs, he doesn’t party like a lot of teens his age do. He’s an all around good kid, although quite shy and a little withdrawn. I’m worried that, as much as I would like for him to come out of his shell, he might do so in a negative way and begin doing the things I have been proud of him for not doing. 

I’ve thought about all of these things numerous times as I weighed the pros and cons of this move. So why then are they weighing so heavily on my mind right before the move?

I have cold feet! 

I have cold feet and I’m leaving tomorrow. So what am I going to do? 

Put on warm socks! 

This is a new chapter, one that’s long overdue, and no matter how cold my feet are, there is no turning back.  

 


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    I have often mentioned how painting, crafting and makeover projects are the ultimate stress reliever for me and a way in which I keep myself balanced. Recently I have had a couple of readers ask about these projects and commented that they would like to see pics. So, I decided now, while I am too busy to write, would be a great time to share some of these projects with you!                

    Thanks for stopping by. I promise to be back soon with something more to say 🙂 

    Every morning I wake up, pull myself from my comfortable slumber, start the day’s routine slowly but surely. I make breakfast for the kids, push them to get dressed and brush their teeth, drive them to school and then come back to sit on the deck with a hot cup of Java and a cigarette or two. The house is quiet as the kids are off to school and my parents are not yet awake. It’s my favourite time of the day, with late nights when everyone is in bed coming in at a close second. Then as the house comes alive as my parents wake up and my fathers homecare aid arrives I feel the happiness that I awoke with quickly leaving my mind, body, and spirit. 

    I’ve come to passionately despise where I am, a mid thirties single Mom of 2 living back home with her parents in the same hell that she grew up in.  Not much has changed since my childhood days here. Words are still thrown like stones, with the intent to hurt and humiliate, the only difference being I am no longer on the receiving end. No. My mother is, which is much worse. 

    This house is no longer home. There was a time when just being here, in my old room, safe inside of it’s 4 walls, was therapeutic. I felt calmer here. I felt at ease and as if the nothing could touch me. This was where I came when I was sick or broken. It was my refuge. Or more accurately, my mother was my refuge. It was she who I ran to, not the house, but the woman who was in it. 

    But now, even being with her isn’t enough. She can’t fix the broken, and this house is breaking me even more. Evil lurks here. You can actually feel it when he starts throwing his insults. 

    This house isn’t home anymore and I need to figure out where exactly home is. 

    My determination hasn’t wavered. I am as gung-ho to make the most of today, and to avoid letting myself slip into the shadows of my mind, as I was yesterday and I am thankful for this small mercy. 

    I had a very productive day yesterday. I started 7 projects, completely finished 2, nearly finished 3 more, and the last 2 will be done by the end of the week. By bedtime I was utterly exhausted and feeling quite proud of myself. Sleep came quick, which satiated my body and my mind. I was grateful to not lie away thinking but to instead drift comfortably into a sound sleep. 

    Today was much like yesterday. I was a little slower getting started this morning, the coffee just not quite kicking in, but after my second cup I was rearing to go.   I started with cleaning Little K’s room, stripping his bed and washing out all of the linens, dusting his furniture and putting away the stack of laundry from yesterday. Afterwards I once again started in at my wood working projects.  By lunch time when Little K came home from school I had started 8 small projects, each in different stages of completion. 

    So, I’ve been busy and productive, and do you know what I have noticed? I haven’t thought about being depressed or manic, wondered if I was high or low or just the right amount of balanced, or had the word bipolar even cross my mind. 

    As I worked on various projects, my hands and clothes paint stained and my black leggings covered in dust from the sander, I was just me! This woman, engrossed in creativity and paint, was the real me.  I’ve missed her and I plan to make her stick around as long as she possibly can. 

    After my last post I simply wanted to crawl into bed and never get up. I’m not in a good place. I can recognize it and now the only thing I can do is deal with it! 

    The line has grown fuzzy. I’m not sure where the bipolar ends and I begin and I have to figure it out. I have to try! 

    Starting today. 

    So I made a conscious decision to get off my ass and do something and by something, I mean anything- any little thing that will occupy my mind and prevent me from dwelling on how I have been feeling. I have to start somewhere right? 

    I’m a trash to treasure enthusiast. I like to take things that are basically trash and turn them into something useful or beautiful, mostly home accents and things like that. So, once I had dropped my kids off at school this morning, instead of climbing back in bed, despite my body begging to do so, I dressed in my “work” clothes  (old leggings and an oversized button up plaid shirt that has paint stains in a million different colors), went into the basement and started working. An old wooden bread box got it’s first coat of fresh paint and an antique window pane got it’s first going over with my electric sander. Yes, I am a woman and I use power tools. I have a wooden flower box that’s also getting a makeover, and I have an old Christmas tree that will be turned into holiday wreaths or swags. There are a ton of projects that I can work on, and I plan to do just that this week…starting today. 

    Starting today I will keep busy. I will find things to do to distract myself from the reality of what I am currently feeling. 

    Starting today I won’t let the bipolar take over. I will look it straight in the eye and remind it that although it is a part of me, it’s not my entirety. Starting today I’m in charge. 

    I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There is only one way to go-up- and I’m working hard to get there. 

    Starting today.