Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

  

It creeped up on me.  I hardly saw it coming, until it was just there, hanging over my head like a thunder cloud threatening to burst open and rain down hard on me. I got that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the feeling right? When you know everything is about to change and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it except wait for it to happen! 

And then….it did. The cloud opened up and the cold rain fell down on me. I was sad. I was angry. I was hurting and feeling so very alone. 

Trigger? I ended things with Clarke. I just can’t do a long distance relationship. For the past couple weeks I’ve felt as if I had an imaginary boyfriend. Sure, I could talk about him, about how great he is and how beautiful he makes me feel and how his goofy pictures that he sends when I am feeling down always make me laugh and feel better. But as I talked about this stranger that none of my friends or family have ever met I always felt as if the person on the other end of the conversation was thinking “Mmhm. Sureee” as if this guy only existed in my imagination. It was more than just that though.  I felt lonelier in the relationship then I felt before it. Before, there wasn’t anyone that I wanted to be with, then, being in this peculiar relationship with him, there was someone I wanted to be with but couldn’t because he lives 2 hours away and our lives, living situations, and jobs didn’t allow us to be together, and that my friends, was lonelier than not having anybody. 

So, I told him, from the heart, how I felt and ended things between us. When this relationship became romantic we both agreed that, no matter how things turned out, we would always be in each other’s lives. Now, he’s not so sure, and this fear that I have completely lost him is nearly unbearable. Yes, he’s just a man, a man who in all reality I barely know, a man who has only been in my life for a couple of months. But this man has done something for me in the short time I’ve known him that I never thought any other living soul would be able to do, ever…….

He’s awakened me. He brought me out of this shell that I had been hiding under and made he feel things. Things I hadn’t felt in a very long time. He reminded me that there was still beauty within me, that my heart and soul was not yet dead, that I was worthy of love and affection. He made me feel beautiful again. He made me feel loved and appreciated. He made me want things- love, intimacy, companionship. He made me feel alive again. 

But as much as it hurts, and as much as I hate myself for hurting him, I know that this relationship isn’t going to go anywhere for a very long time and I just can’t live that way, knowing he is so close, yet so damn far, that as much as I want to be close to him, he’s out of reach to me. If things were different maybe it could have been wonderful, maybe it could have been everything I wanted and needed. But things aren’t different and if I’ve learned nothing else from my failed marriage and pulling myself back up out of the gutter since, it’s that you cannot live on what ifs. 

So, as I said goodbye to Clarke for what might be the last time, via a message on a tiny screen which was the foundation of our relationship, I felt that storm cloud hanging over me and I knew without a doubt what was coming. 

The darkness. Cold and bitter and angry. Sad and lonely and broken. Tears. An endless supply of tears. An aching in my heart that nothing could take away. The need to be alone, completely alone, to hide in a dark room, under the covers. To block out the world and everyone in it. So that’s exactly what I did. I took my meds and waited, waited for the numbness and the sleep to swallow me whole. 

I am BLAH! I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m not, well, anything! Just….BLAH! I’ve had a BLAH week and as the weekend approaches it doesn’t seem to be getting any less, well, BLAH! 

I have no motivation for anything! I have a million things I want to do, a million more that I need to do, but I have no drive to do any of it. 

I miss the mania on days like today. I miss that energy. I miss that feeling of total and utter confidence, when it feels like I can take on the world. 

Does the weather affect anyone else’s moods? It always affects mine. Outside it’s been cold, foggy and raining for days. I hate weather like this. It just sucks the energy from me and that has never been more true than this week.

Surgery recovery has been long and tedious. The incision itself is healing well (with a ugly scar to prove it!) but I am still experiencing discomfort and bruising and I have not yet been able to get back to my normal activities. This too is affecting my mood!  

I’ve been job hunting and submitted a couple of applications for administrative positions- good paying jobs in or around the city which would mean……yup, we would be moving into the city, or at the very least, the outskirts of it. I have a plan set in place for if I should get one of these jobs, and I am regularly checking the job website for newly added posts. Hmmm. Apparently I am not completely lacking any motivation. I did manage to do that! 

My family doesn’t understand my desperate desire to move to the city, 4 hours away from our little hometown. How do I explain to them that I was never meant to live here, I never quite belonged here? I’ve felt it in the very core of my being for many, many years since, when as a teenager I had walked the historic streets of the city, in awe of the colourful buildings, the eclectic shops, the street performers, and the buzz of energy all around me. This was where I belonged. I knew it then and there, but as I became a mother shortly out of high school my plans to make my escape from this suffocating small town got put on hold. 

Another child and 17 years later, I’m at a place where I know it’s time. Time to go where my heart wanted me to many years ago, to put the life I have lived here in this small town behind me and start over. And I’m excited!! My kids are excited!! Now, it’s just a matter of time. 

I’m very much missing having my own place! This house, with the 5 of us living in it, dealing with the same shit that I already lived through once, is slowly killing me! I came home from work earlier this week to find my mom in tears, after having been on the receiving end of my father’s verbal attacks all day. She looked so broken, standing in front of the stove, making supper with tears streaming down her face. I wanted to throw a rage filled fit, completely freak out at him, give it back to him harder and far more cruel than he had given it to her, and I am very capable of if, have done it before, but when she quietly asked me through her tears not to say anything I had to comply, and instead hugged her close as she cried on my shoulder. 

I hate him. Hate is a strong word but I mean it. I’ve never felt such strong hatred and rage for another human being as I do towards him. I’m not proud of how I feel but I am justified. As if it weren’t enough that he tarnished our childhood, leaving scars on us that would we would carry with us forever, but even after were long since grown he continues to use his words to tear her down, our mom, the only parent we ever really had, and for this, and for everything he has done over the years, I hate him. 

But enough about that. If I allow myself to dwell too long in that place it will consume me and I’m not letting him take up any more space in my head! 

My love life…..it’s weird! Clarke and I are currently in a long distance relationship and have agreed to not see other people until we have figured out what there is between us. Is it crazy to say that we love each other? Love is such a broad term…there are so many ways that someone can love another person….maybe it’s puppy love….maybe it’s simply a connection that’s so strong it resembles love. Can 2 people actually fall in love through just talking? I mean, we met once, for about 3 minutes! Since then our plans of being together have been ruined by first, my emergency operation, then work and family obligations, and we have no plans for the near future. Honestly? I have no idea what it is and lately (these past few days) I have been having some reservations. The conversations between us have been via text. He’s called twice in the past couple of weeks because, according to him, he doesn’t like talking on the phone. So, we resort to communicating through words on a tiny handheld screen, and honestly, it bugs me. The idea of being exclusive when we live 2 hours apart and only one of us drives (me) is bothering me as well. I mean, I’m just out of a marriage. Do I really want to be in an exclusive long distance relationship? My thoughts and feelings surrounding him and our situation are really all over the place! I really care about this guy, and he’s been such a huge part of my life over the past couple of months without even physically being part of my life. I do not want to hurt him or dissapoint him.  I’m just not sure if this relationship is what I want right now, but I’m terrified of letting it go! *sigh* The tangled webs we weave. 

Today I am trying to stay occupied. I’ve been cleaning and decluttering and job hunting, just to try to keep myself sane. I know how quickly BLAH can turn to darkness, and I refuse to let it! 

Thanks for stopping by, and for reading as I simply ramble. 

With all that’s been going on this past week from my birthday on Friday to surgery on Sunday, I completely forgot to update you on the newest development in my adventures in online dating, or more so, my singular adventure in online dating- Clarke. 

So a lot of things have come to light over the past few weeks about this teddy bear that, at some points in my life, would have made me run for the hills. However, since the first time I talked to this guy, I saw something in him, I felt something every time we would talk, and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him.

So, last week my sister and our kids went to see a movie out of town…in his town. I invited him along. What was I thinking right? I mean it’s one thing to meet a girl your falling for online for the first time but to meet nearly her entire family at the same time! But, I couldn’t be there and not invite him along. Long story short- he didn’t come. So, after the movie, which was around 11pm, we had to get back on the highway for the 2 hour drive back home (crazy to some people- an adventure to us!) but I just couldn’t leave his town without seeing him. 

So, let me paint you a picture….

It’s 11pm on a chilly spring night.  I text Clarke to tell him, ready or not, I’m coming to see him. I know the vicinity of his street so I drive aimlessly in that area until I find it. Then I realize the houses, literally, have no numbers on them so now I have to find one that does and start counting. 58, 56, 54….and with every number I am getting more and more nervous and silently kicking myself in the ass. What if this guy was an ax murderer? What if he killed me right there in his driveway? (We had agreed to simply meet outside). Finally I pull up to his house, put the car in park but keep it running (in case I need to escape?) and slowly walk up his driveway, the clicking of my heels echoing through the quiet street (so at least I knew my screams would!) He walks out of his front door, down the steps and driveway and we meet somewhere in the middle. Awkward “Hi” and then he hugs me close. We kinda just stand there like that for a minute. I pull away first and instinctively kiss him. Not a full blown, tongue action kiss, but a longer than normal, firm peck. We look at each other, smile, and I tell him I have to run. (My sister is waiting for me with the kids just a couple streets away throwing a hissy fit!) And I walk/half run back to my car- grinning like a school girl. 

So I know I’ve said in previous posts that, in the beginning, I wasn’t at all attracted to his personal appearance, but I never elaborated on exactly what it was about his appearance that I wasn’t attracted to. He’s a big guy and not just husky, but overweight. But I’m an overweight chick right, so it shouldn’t matter! But in the beginning it did. I just wasn’t attracted. However, as I talked to him more and more it wasn’t his appearance that I was attracted to, it was the person inside the shell, because let’s face it ladies and gents, our outward appearance is just that- a shell- and it’s what’s inside of us that makes us who we are. Still, it took me a while to separate the two, and the physical attraction, I wasn’t sure existed….until I kissed his lips. I knew then that it was there. I wanted that feeling, of his lips on mine, to last all night. 

So that’s the end right. Clarke and Me ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after……

Nope. There’s a whole lot more to this story than that. Clarke has issues all his own. He’s a bird with a broken wing who deals with high anxiety. Just my luck! But the thing is, I’m not deterred by it. Maybe because I understand so well what he is going through. It was even suggested that he was a project, but I refuse to believe that. Sure I want to fix him, but I basically want to fix everyone! 

There are other things too about this teddy bear who I adore, things I wish were different, or that I could change (I’m a control freak- it’s just in my nature!). He’s content with many aspects of his life because his anxiety keeps him that way. I want to help him overcome that, to push him to do more, to push his boundaries, to step outside of his comfort zone. He’s emotional, which is a good thing, just something that is new to me. The men I’ve known are just the opposite. He’s a gamer, which I am pretty sure attributes to his weight issues, and he isn’t very sociable, again, an anxiety issue. 

know all of these things probably aren’t what my neurotic mind and heart need right now. I probably need a man who can swoop in, sweep me off my feet, and take care of me. But the truth is, I want to take care of myself. I don’t need a man to do that for me, nor do I want it. What I want right now, what I need more anything……

Is someone who will make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Someone who knows me, who knows about the bipolar and everything it entails, who knows about the failed marriage and failed life, about the breakdown and the many meltdowns since, who accepts all of me, even the crazy parts, and still loves me just the way I am. 

Someone who fills my ears and heart with sweet words of love and admiration, who calls me a beautiful, wonderful creature, who tells me everyday your so adorable, who asks me to dance beneath the stars with him, and who wonders what my hair smells like. 

Someone who listens and understands, who doesn’t view my imperfections as character flaws, but rather quirks that make me me. 

Someone who loves it when I ramble about anything or nothing. 

Someone who will walk outside in the middle of the night, miles apart, at the same time as me, just so were looking at the same moon. 

Someone who can make me smile, blush, laugh, squirm and ache all in the same conversation. 

And Clarke is all of these things and more. Who knows what the future holds. The only day we are guaranteed is today. Everything can change in an heartbeat. I’m not thinking about what kind of man I should find to settle down with. Hell no! I just finished being settled down and I don’t plan to do it again for a long, long time. Right now, I want to just live, to feel, and right now, in this very moment, I want to do that with him. 

Maybe I should consider renaming this series, as my “adventures” in online dating have been reduced to just the one adventure- Clarke! 

We continue to talk every day. In fact, we talk every free minute we get of everyday. As crazy as it sounds, I miss him when we go long periods without talking, although this is very rare. We are cyberly inseperable!

And the conversation…..oh the conversations that we have! We talk about everything….our anxiety issues (yes, we both have issues with anxiety), my kids, our families, hobbies, dreams, aspirations, past relationships- you name it, we’ve covered it to some extent. In between these normal, basic and sometimes in-depth conversations there’s the flirting. And I’m not talking your basic, eyelash batting, giggling flirting. It’s an endless supply of cuddles and nuzzles, of hugs and kisses, of pet names and pink, blushing cheeks. 

Then there’s the other conversations. The personal, intense, and sometimes erotic conversations. These conversations are on a whole other level. These have awakened something in me that I thought had died, reminding me that I am still a woman, that this disorder hasn’t taken that from me. 

He makes me feel things. Real feelings. I haven’t felt anything real, other than love for my family, in months. A huge part of the bipolar disorder for me is emotional disconnect. I just don’t feel emotions. Then this guy comes along and it’s like shut the front door! I have actual feelings. And he makes me want to feel more. 

He makes me smile, really smile, and laugh like I haven’t done in years. 

He asks about me like her cares about me. He wants to know what I think, how I feel, what I want, what I like and don’t.

He sends me cyber kisses in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. 

He sneaks short messages while at work to let me know he’s thinking about me. 

He tells I’m beautiful. 

And I can’t help but wonder, if he makes me feel this way through the connection of the World Wide Web, how would I feel if, or more so, how will I feel when we meet? 

  

My “adventures” in online dating have been anything but lately.  After my last post, when I had pulled my hook from what seemed to be the guppy filled pond known as Plenty of Fish, I decided to give it another shot and unhid my profile once again.  I had a couple of nibbles…..

Jake thought I had sexy eyes and lips, however, when I thanked him for the compliment he had nothing more to say.  

Steve, who’s username was a distinct reference to Tim Hortons coffee, so I’m guessing he’s a Tim’s fan, was my second bite of the week. Unfortunately I wasn’t much of a Steve fan because the conversation didn’t spark my interest at all! 

After 5 very short chats with 5 uninteresting men, I began to think I had been right in pulling my hook from the water, so, once again, I disabled my profile. Of the many, many men that have messaged me I am only still talking to one……

Clarke. 

For those of you who haven’t read my previous Adventures in Online Dating posts, Clarke is a guy that I met on my very first night on Plenty of Fish. He’s a techy, anime loving, gamer who is intelligent, funny, a great conversationalist, and a big ol goofy teddy bear! We have been talking ever since, and have recently upgraded to Facebook friends. Although I have enjoyed talking to him over the past few weeks, and ideally, we are a perfect match- both book nerds who like to write, both romantic and affectionate people, similar tastes in music, etc, etc- there was just no physical attraction there. Without sounding shallow, which I know I will anyways although I am not a shallow person, I was just not attracted to his appearance. I told him in a kind and gentle manner that I thought we could be great friends but that there was no potential for romance. He seemed to be dissapointed at first and I thought that maybe he wouldn’t want to chat with me anymore. However, after just a few minutes he messaged me again and our conversation was back to it’s normal, witty, zany self! 

Days passed and we talked during each one of them, often for hours on end. We got to know each other much better and were having a great time in the Friendzone. 

Fast forward a few days to Saturday night. I had plans to go to a friends birthday party but was having a lot of anxiety. Social anxiety is a huge issue for me and is part of the bipolar that I find hardest to deal with. I had talked to him about how I was feeling and he told me to take my phone along and message him whether I needed to…..

Me:So what are you doing tonight?

Clarke: Lying around being you anchor. 

Me:  could always use an anchor.

Clarke: I double as a security blanket too.

Sweet right? So, a couple hours later I’m at the party, and I message him..several times, but he didn’t answer. When I got home much later that night there was a message from him. 

Clarke: I feel so stupid. You needed me. 

Me: I’m fine 🙂 I’m home now. 

Clarke: -rubs your back- did you maim or kill anybody?

Me: No. Everyone was still alive and in one piece when I left. 

Clarke: Ok. -hugs- see how strong you are. You did awesome even with a crappy anchor/blanket.

Clarke: Im sorry.

Me: It’s okay. Really. I forgive you 🙂

Clarke: -tangles up and cudddles-

And that was when, in an emotional, intoxicated state or mind, I added him as a friend on Facebook. 

Then things began to change….

We talked till nearly 4AM and I began to see a side of him that I hadn’t seen before, or maybe that I hadn’t wanted to see before. He was sweet and affectionate and open. Suddenly I did feel butterflies when he called me beautiful, I did sigh and smile when he would make references to cuddling, and I did feel something that I hadn’t felt in all of our conversations. At first I thought maybe it was the alcohol, but the next day when we talked I felt the same way, and everyday since. He’s become an everyday fixture, and one that I look forward to. 

So now the question is, could I be attracted to his personality without being attracted to his physically appearance? And is it possible to have actual feelings for him this way? 

Advice anyone?